He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
