i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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