My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
