thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
