smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
