Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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