He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
