I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
