I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I can tuck mytits in my pants
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
