I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
