Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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