i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
