thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
