I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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