I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Who died my cat blue again?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
