Don't you send me to vm
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
