His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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