Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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