I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
