Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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