I like my sex mixed with concussions.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
