I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
