I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
