i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
