apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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