i just wanna soil my oats bro
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
