the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
