i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Congratulations! We have a period
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