I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
