It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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