I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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