i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
