I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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