i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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