I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
