my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
