the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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