the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
