I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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