he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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