This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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