I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?