I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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