I cannot find my penis.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
