This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
