I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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