Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This is classic penis vs brain.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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