I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
