Define "chronic" masturbator.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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