I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
