What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
