Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
