i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
