As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
