Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
