she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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